The Book

The Monsters Within

This is the book I started writing right after I left an abusive relationship. It is still a work in progress, especially with wrapping up the ending. I will post the introduction for bloggers to read below:

***TRIGGER WARNING***

Introduction

Message: He was violently screaming at me.  I turned around to get away from him and he grabbed the back of my head. He had a fist full of my hair, yanking me backwards, snapping my head back like a twig and slammed me on the bed by my neck. My body bounced up like a rag doll. His hands were like a vice around my throat. I was kicking my legs and clawing at his hands, trying to loosen his grip. I started seeing the black fog creep in the corners of my eyes as I was gasping for air. I didn’t think he would let me go and my body was getting weaker. He had complete control over me mentally and physically.  No matter how hard I fought, he was stronger than me. Finally, he released and I could breathe again. All I could think about was how did I get here? How could I have let things escalate this bad? He controlled every angle of my life, even how I would feel on a day to day basis. He taught me how to be completely ashamed of myself and all I was. He saw my scars and ripped them open one by one recreating my own devaluation and new insecurities. He fed off my pain and intentionally provoked me where I disclosed my weaknesses. He said no one will love you as you are and he broke me down piece by piece until I had nothing left of myself. After five years of exploitation and narcissistic abuse, I finally became strong enough to leave and stay gone.

  If I can reach at least one woman through this book, then I am glad I went through it. You need someone to remind you that you are strong and able. You were a victim, now become a survivor. 

Remember, no one can ever really know what you have been through, until they have lived through it too. That’s the hard thing to explain to people, especially when your scars aren’t visible to the world. You can talk about it and most women will say, I would never let anyone treat me like that or go through that with any man. I said the exact same thing many times. Domestic violence and abuse doesn’t discriminate though. Its like a cancer. “Where you once felt carefree, lighthearted and loving, you now feel as if you are being turned into a different person that resembles nothing like you once were” (Arabi, 2017, p. 3). You cannot predict that it will ever happen to you and when it does, you can literally watch yourself disappear.

After going through the abuse and learning about my addiction to my abuser, I talked to the women around me and realized how common it is. Their love is like a drug. “Each withdrawal from the drug leaves you reeling. His addiction is savagely evoking and witnessing your pain and addiction is attempting to regain his validation” (Arabi, 2017, p. 4).  The abuse comes in all different forms, but each type of abuse is just as detrimental whether it is emotional, physical or psychological.

When women are in an abusive situation, we feel like we are completely alone and trapped, essentially you are in your own mind. You feel like your life starts and ends with him. If you leave, not only do you have to take care of yourself (and your children), but you also have to start over from rock bottom. It is a hard pill to swallow. If there is no one to help you, then it may seem impossible. We also think that no one else will want us. After years of deconstructive conditioning, hearing “good luck finding someone to put up with you” we truly believe that in our hearts. Our shortcomings get thrown in our faces constantly so that we believe we are made up of the worst part of ourselves. Abusive men pick women apart piece by piece, not only berating our existing insecurities, but also destroying the things that we were once proud of. Then when there are no more insecurities to be found, he will create new ones and fault you for your feelings of worthlessness. They put us down, conditioning us to think less and less of ourselves with every single verbal blow. They use aggressive jabs every day that make us start questioning who we really are. Abusive men coerce us into feeling like we need them and our lives weren’t productive or successful before them.  “Defeat comes rapidly when he begins to rip apart your wounds, slowly and carefully piece by piece, instead of nursing them; rather than the gentle healer, he becomes the wretched surgeon that manufactures your madness all while sprinkling doubts about your ability to discern what is happening” (Arabi, 2017, p. 4). They down play our achievements and get inside our heads so that we feel like being with them makes us a better person. You start to think he is what makes you special. 

I think perspective is very important. Often times, when we are abused, we are told by our abuser that we are the ones creating and fixating on the issues, that we are hyper-sensitive and overly dramatic. He tries to make you feel like you are the one with the problem, until you start to believe that you actually are the one who needs the help and not him. It is important to try to remember though, that the way you experienced the abuse is the way it happened and you have every right to feel the way that you do. You didn’t fabricate how detrimental it was to you or how bad it hurt you. He will try to tell you that you exaggerated the experience, but you were there. You felt it. Do not try to let him get in your head and tell you how you should feel. You are allowed to feel any way you want. He can’t control your thoughts and your feelings. You have to become a warrior for yourself and the only way you can win this war is to leave, but be ready to leave. He created the scars to remind you to forget about him, and rebuild yourself.

I was told by an informative psychic, who had struggled with domestic abuse in the past,  that women in abusive situations will leave about four to seven times before they actually leave their abuser forever. I thought she was out of her mind. I was wrong. I left him around five times. I am still in the midst of my struggle with leaving him. I am starting from the bottom with nothing but optimistic faith and amazing friends by my side. Writing my story has helped me see what he has done to me. My wish is that with my educational background in psychology and my own personal struggle, that another women can read this, relate and get herself help before it is too late. If you can relate to this in any way, stop being your own worst enemy. There is help out there for you, but you have to take it and have faith that everything will get better. It took time for your abuser to condition you to feel the way you do and it will take time for you to retrain your brain to be out of his control. You need to know though, that it will get better for you when you regain your freedom and your sanity.